The first part of my in-progress Skulduggery story

I was in the house, in my room like always, listening to some of my favorite White Stripes songs when there was a terrible scream. That was it- my life turned around by one sound. If Dad hadn't have screamed then I'd never have gone down to see what it was, and I'd never have seen his murderer- a tall, dark man with twinkling eyes and a terrible expression of hatred on his face. He held a gun at my Dad's bleeding head and all I could do was scream and run away. I'd never seen a gun before. We lived in a part of the world where there's no sorcerers or magic for miles and we were just living peacefully when he was just... there, with a gun to my head. My heart was absolutely pounding and my thoughts were racing. Black tears were streaming down my pale face. My own Dad! Now gone forever. I should have ran for the door but I wasn't thinking straight. I remembered how hard it was for Dad to catch me while we played tag in the house together if I ran up the staircase...

So that's where I went, straight to my room up the staircase and he was right behind me. Terror was stealing my breath and I almost tripped but then slammed the door. White Stripes classics were still blazing down the CD player at me. I felt him tap the door while I pushed against it and my heart lept. He was inches away and all that stood between us was a small wooden door. What if he was an Elemental and could take the door and me apart just by pushing at nothing?
          "I want you to do me a favour..." he began but then there was a crash and Kip was there, beyond the door. The first time I saw him, I saw a handsome hero come to rescue me. He looked about seventeen, which is how old I am, and I could only watch from the now open doorway as the favour asking man wiped blood from his mouth. "Darkos. Again."he growled. "It's always you!"
          "That's because I can stop you" Kip's opponent's voice was smoother than anything, and always seemed to be calm. He never got out of breath and the blood down his throat didn't seem to bother him. Kip's voice was colder, harsher, and got straight to the point.
          "Pah!" The favour-asking man spat on my carpet. I was going to yell but this wasn't the time. "You haven't stopped me yet"
          "That's because I never get round to it." he smiled slightly and I found myself staring at his perfect lips. "You talk too much" With a frustraited growl and a glare, the favour asking man lept and Kip waved his dagger. Shadows formed a sort of wall that enveloped the man, crushing him beneath it and pinning him. Kip turned to me and didn't say a word. He just grabbed my wrist and we were hurtling through the window, the shadows guiding us down. There were two reasons I didn't want to let go. The favour asking man was the second one.
         Angelista Skaa was there with a fireball in hand, hurling it at the favour asking man. The favour asking man dodged by spinning in midair then dropped heavily to the ground, scuttling away. On the drive to Kip's, they introduced themselves and the favour asking man, who turned out to be Karx Epo. They didn't tell me where we were going or why they had helped or what exactly they wanted with me when I asked, but Angelista told me thy may be watching. Yeah, helpful.

I was in the house, in my room like always, listening to some of my favorite White Stripes songs when there was a terrible scream. That was it- my life turned around by one sound. If Dad hadn't have screamed then I'd never have gone down to see what it was, and I'd never have seen his murderer- a tall, dark man with twinkling eyes and a terrible expression of hatred on his face. He held a gun at my Dad's bleeding head and all I could do was scream and run away. I'd never seen a gun before. We lived in a part of the world where there's no sorcerers or magic for miles and we were just living peacefully when he was just... there, with a gun to my head. My heart was absolutely pounding and my thoughts were racing. Black tears were streaming down my pale face. My own Dad! Now gone forever. I should have ran for the door but I wasn't thinking straight. I remembered how hard it was for Dad to catch me while we played tag in the house together if I ran up the staircase...

So that's where I went, straight to my room up the staircase and he was right behind me. Terror was stealing my breath and I almost tripped but then slammed the door. White Stripes classics were still blazing down the CD player at me. I felt him tap the door while I pushed against it and my heart lept. He was inches away and all that stood between us was a small wooden door. What if he was an Elemental and could take the door and me apart just by pushing at nothing?
          "I want you to do me a favour..." he began but then there was a crash and Kip was there, beyond the door. The first time I saw him, I saw a handsome hero come to rescue me. He looked about seventeen, which is how old I am, and I could only watch from the now open doorway as the favour asking man wiped blood from his mouth. "Darkos. Again."he growled. "It's always you!"
          "That's because I can stop you" Kip's opponent's voice was smoother than anything, and always seemed to be calm. He never got out of breath and the blood down his throat didn't seem to bother him. Kip's voice was colder, harsher, and got straight to the point.
          "Pah!" The favour-asking man spat on my carpet. I was going to yell but this wasn't the time. "You haven't stopped me yet"
          "That's because I never get round to it." he smiled slightly and I found myself staring at his perfect lips. "You talk too much" With a frustraited growl and a glare, the favour asking man lept and Kip waved his dagger. Shadows formed a sort of wall that enveloped the man, crushing him beneath it and pinning him. Kip turned to me and didn't say a word. He just grabbed my wrist and we were hurtling through the window, the shadows guiding us down. There were two reasons I didn't want to let go. The favour asking man was the second one.
         Angelista Skaa was there with a fireball in hand, hurling it at the favour asking man. The favour asking man dodged by spinning in midair then dropped heavily to the ground, scuttling away. On the drive to Kip's, they introduced themselves and the favour asking man, who turned out to be Karx Epo. They didn't tell me where we were going or why they had helped or what exactly they wanted with me when I asked, but Angelista told me thy may be watching. Yeah, helpful.



For more, go to:

http://kaliamist.blogspot.com/2011/09/making-new-friends.html

part 3:

http://kaliamist.blogspot.com/2011/09/sanctuary.html

part 4:

http://kaliamist.blogspot.com/2011/09/jail.html

part 5:

http://kaliamist.blogspot.com/2011/09/vladican-drab.html

part 6:

http://kaliamist.blogspot.com/2011/09/practise-makes-perfect.html

part 7:

http://kaliamist.blogspot.com/2011/09/time-of-rest.html

part 8:

http://kaliamist.blogspot.com/2011/09/angelistas-secrets.html

12 comments:

  1. BTW not sure why it repeated itself again and again. Weirdness.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey, fixed the repeat thing! :D

    I'm going to be a real critique in a minute, but before that, AHHHHHHHHH That was REALLY awesome! LOVED it! I really did!

    Now ~critique mode~
    There were a few times where I think you could have stretched things out a tad more. Like explained them more thoroughly because it got confusing, particularly around when Kip came and the last paragraph. For instance, when he said "Darkos. Again. It's always you"
    It looked like the favor asking man was saying that, but it was actually Kip. I think it would be more clear if you skipped a line when someone says something. And maybe in instances like that add "Kip spat" or something along those lines to make it more clear as to whom is speaking.
    The last paragraph was more confusing. Where did Angelista come from? How did she get there? How did they get into a car suddenly? I find myself asking questions such as these.
    [hehe, I always wanted to say that!]
    This instance is another time you could stretch things out more in order to make it more clear and vivid.
    As an example, say more about the little battle with Angelista and the favor asking man. Maybe describe Angelista a bit. Then say in the next paragraph after the favor asking man ran away and escaped, that they got into a car or something.
    If I was doing this story, I think I would write from before the last paragraph like this
    [and it's just from my imagination as I have no idea how the characters really look]

    Angelista Skaa appeared out of no where, a small frown on her face having seen the favor asking man and recognizing him. Her curly brown hair was bunched up on the top of her head to keep it from getting into her fierce blue eyes.
    A snap of her fingers and a flame curled in her palm, excited and dancing. The favor asking man spun around, having heard the crackle of her fire. Already wounded and unhappy at the current situation, he didn't feel like facing Angelista at just that moment.
    But she thought differently. The ball of fire hurtled towards him, but just a split second before it hit him square on, he leaped into the air. Landing on his feet with a grunt. He growled at Angelsta, and dashed away to get lost in the maze of houses and rooms before she could finish the fight.
    She was a bit disappointed but shrugged and left to where she knew Kip and I were. There, we got into his car and sped away.
    They introduced themselves and told me the favor asking man was called Karx Epo, but when I asked where we were going and why they had helped me, they didn't answer directly. The only reply I got was, "They might be watching."
    Yeah, helpful.


    I'm not an expert at all, of course, but that was just an example to show you how you cuold spread things out more.
    Anyway, overall, I really enjoyed reading it a lot :3. These are just a few tips [which I hope are useful] to help you write even BETTER! :D

    ~critique mode off~

    ReplyDelete
  3. WOW, that was a long comment... sorry about that xD

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank Skyril!

    I read your comment and liked your version of the paragraph very much. Did you read the rest? I put the URLs on there except the last one, part 9:

    http://kaliamist.blogspot.com/2011/09/back-to-training.html

    read plz

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow, Skyril :D
    Want to write my books? LOL.You could work as a book critic

    ReplyDelete
  6. LOL, Viv :P
    Well, I'll definitely try to help if someone wants me to critic something! Don't know if I could be an ACTUAL critic, though... :P

    ReplyDelete
  7. Love what? My story or Skyril's criticism?
    ...
    Please don't say her critique was more entertaining!!! D;
    Parts 10-13 now available btw.

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  8. Part 14 now available. Now I'm going to write part 15. XD

    ReplyDelete
  9. All parts up to 17 now available. I just can't stop writing today!

    ReplyDelete