Hey! So, I really want y'all's opinion on something I've been writing. Tell me brutally, honestly what you think- too happy, too silly, too predictable, too dumb, not worded well, not written well, too repetitive etc. :P
CRITIQUE ME! :D [oh, and sorry for the text size. It was being annoying, and my only options were tiny or biggish. xD]


Winifred May's auburn eyes were closed. She slowly swung her right arm in an arc, fingers curling and uncurling. Her hair was blond and thick. It wasn't that typical kind of "popular girl" hair, though. It was cut so that it was longer in the front, on the sides, and got shorter in the back but for a long, thin pony-tail coming out from underneath.

 Lightening fast, her fingers pointed, she struck the air in front of her. A spark shocked the point she struck. Her legs were apart in a careful stance, but she swayed slightly. Her left arm moved again, this time, slowly dragging through the air from one side to the other, but unexpectedly, her eyes shot open, and she jumped as if dodging an invisible attack.
Her body seemed to move without a thought, hands striking, chest weaving, and sometimes, she would jump to the side.

 Each strike from her caused a shock at the point and a tingling sensation. She jumped back once more, this time, slamming both hands flat onto the ground, causing lightening to burst forth from the earth in front of her, showering dirt and grass.
Before she could stand, however, someone tackled her from the side. She yelped, surprised, and rolled with the person. A flash of black hair and winter blue eyes were all she could see, but she recognized him by the laugh he gave.

"Jeffery!" Winifred cried as she landed on top of him at the end of the roll. He wore a cocky grin, gazing up at her from where he lay, bits of grass in his pitch colored hair.
"What?" he questioned innocently.
"I was practicing!" She poked his chest before shoving off and standing up, running her hand through her disheveled hair, furiously.
"Oh..., really?"
"Yes, really." she replied, ignoring the sarcastic tones in his voice. She looked at the cotton speckled sky above, trying to calm her fluttered nerves.

  She couldn't believe she hadn't seen or heard him coming. There was no one out here but her. All around was green grass and dirt with a few trees spread out sparsely, most of them weeping willows.
Jefferey stood up, brushing off his jeans. "Well, I was helping you, then wasn't I? Yeah, that's what I was doing. I wanted to help you practice. You do know that you're going to have to expect attacks from the side, right?" He grinned again and winked his gorgeous aqua eye.

Jeffery had been Winifred's best friend practically since they were toddlers. He had been grouped with her as comrades years ago, and they had found each other suitable companions so they had been best friends for a long time.

She turned to the side to keep him from seeing her half-smile, never able to stay angry at him for very long. Finally, she gave up and looked back at him, grinning. "Ok, fine, I forgive you."

"Forgive me, what? What on earth could I possibly need forgiveness for?" Oh, the sarcasm was building.
She rolled her autumn eyes. "Well, I just don't know, but I'm sure there's something you need forgiveness for, so be happy you got it anyway.
He laughed, giving her a slight shove. She looked at him, a cunning smile showing on her face, "Oh, you want to go that way, do you?"

"Not a bad idea," Jeffery replied, "loser buys the ice cream. You know what I like." He winked again, falling back into a stance, legs apart, arms in front, protecting his face, and fingers pointed straight.
Winifred only chuckled, taking her own stance and examining him. His black hair was as ruffled as ever, but his eyes portrayed an intelligence and determination you wouldn't have expected. He was clothed in simple torn jeans and t-shirt depicting a show called Firefly. Whereas she was in her shinobi shizoku, which was basically a ninja suit. He was already at a disadvantage, for she had much more maneuverability. She smiled a slight, secret smile as they stood facing each other, birds twittering in the trees.
Never one to wait, Winifred dashed forward three steps, dodged his thrust, and parried with a swipe from the right. Her throw connected, sending a jolt up his arm, weaker that what she could have done, but painful all the same. He danced back, shaking his arm a little as his grin was replaced with that typical, Jeffery-might-be-in-trouble expression. Winifred's eyebrows went up and down tantalizingly, "Hey, I thought we were going to spar! What are you doing over there, hm?"

He forced a smile, "Good question," and ran towards her. This time, however, he didn't use his fighting skills alone. He fingertips turned slightly blue.
She weaved under his swipe, giving a thrust of her own that sent tingles down his leg, but when she came back up, her shoulder was hit by his icy fingers. Chills shivered up and down her arm, slowing her movement. She grimaced, but took the advantage of his leaving himself open and kneed his stomach.

Jeffery gasped, jumping out of the way of her following swipe, and came back with a high kick, which winded her. Winifred swung her head back, her blond hair getting out of the way, and stepped forward, trying to use her advantage of movement by a range of high and low attacks. Jefferey, however, intended to continue his plan of attack and slow her. Speed was her main asset. If he could restrict that, he could win. He blocked a diagonal slice, stabbing her belly and already weakened shoulder. Frigid numbness oozed through her veins.

Winifred grunted from the blows, but saw his oncoming swipe from above and blocked it, shoving him back and seeing her opportunity- his unprotected throat. Her fingers, at a point, stopped just an inch from it, but still sent a shock down his spine. He looked at her, swallowed, and dropped his arms to his side, backing up before he sat against a tree. She had won very abruptly.

She grinned. "Got'cha!"
Jeffery laughed, shaking just a bit from Winifred's electricity. "Yup, guess you did, but at least I still got the element of surprise."
She shook her head, "Yeah, yeah, I know you don't like losing, but don't worry, I'm sure you'll have a real comeback next time."
He shrugged, realizing his response was a bit weak.

"Hey!" Winifred yelled, suddenly grabbing his arm and pulling him up, "You were going to buy me ice cream! And I don't care how freezing I am already, thanks to you, I want my ice cream."
"Ok, ok," he replied, smiling at her and putting his arm around her shoulder to warm her up. "Let's get some ice cream, then."

Twelve Years Earlier

Jeffery September was five years old, and he really just wanted to go home and eat some ice cream. "Where are we going?" he whined.
"I told you," said a woman with crimson hair in the driver's seat of the car they were in, "we're going someplace special where you can learn to use your..., well, special powers."
Jeffery frowned, "I didn't mean to hurt that lady! I was just trying to touch her pretty bracelet. Where's Mommy and Daddy?"

The woman didn't answer for a moment, instead, focusing on driving in the dark. "Well, Jeffery, we know you didn't intend to hurt her. Don't worry about that; she'll be ok.... But, sweetheart,  your mommy and daddy don't want you anymore." She didn't want to do this. Why did they have to send her for the pick up jobs? She hated lying to five years olds. Jeffery had started crying, "You're lying!" Which was completely true.

"Don't worry," the woman spoke quickly, not knowing what to do with a crying child. "We have a wonderful place set up for you and-" she was interrupted by her cell ringing, playing the Spiderman theme song. She glanced down at it and answered, saying, "Agent Iris speaking..... Yes..., yes, I've confiscated the child... Well, he's crying, but I'm almost there now.... Yes, that's him... Alright, I will.... out."

Iris glanced in her rear-view mirror at Jeffery who was rubbing his eyes. His cheeks were red, "Hey, don't cry. It's ok."

"I want my mommy." Iris didn't really know what to say, but she felt bad for the lad.

"You know what?" she spoke brightly

Jeffery, frowning, looked up, "What?"
"You're going to have a new friend soon! Yeah, that's right! In just a few moments, you're going to meet a little girl about your age named Winifred May, and you're going to be friends for a long time too! Doesn't that sound fun?"
Jeffery mumbled back, "I don't know. I guess, but girls are kinda bossy.... Can we have ice cream when we get there?"

Iris smiled, happy she could calm him down somewhat, "as a matter of fact, you most certainly may! What flavor do you like?"

"Well, chocolate's good, but..." his tone fell again, "I would always share with Daddy." Iris frowned, remaining silent, as Jeffery yawned.

They pulled up to a tall, cement wall with a metal gate blocking the way. Iris rolled down her window, punched a code into a little machine, and said, "Iris Jade Callahan." A computerized woman's voice said, "Welcome, Agent Callahan," as the gate swung open before them.


  1. ....Cooooool. It's so interesting. WHat's beyond the gates? Who's the agent chick? Why Did they take Jeffery? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!

    The only problem I had was the fighting scene. I had trouble following it and picturing it in my head. But beyond that, I want more of it!

  2. Ooooooh, I like this. It's well written, but I agree with Mar about the fighting scene. I know it's only beginning, but Winfred and Jeffrey are kind of plain, for now. They're adorable together, but not in a couple-ish way, which I think is a good thing. I really really liked the 12 years earlier part. SO WELL WRITTEN!
    *huggies* I want moaaar!

  3. Awesome! Thanks guys! I'm going to try to make better the stuff y'all mentioned.
    I'm really glad you both liked it mostly, though. :]

    And by the way, Red, by "plain" you mean not mysterious enough or something like that?

    ~huggies back~ :D

  4. SKYRIL.

    I know this is gonna sound ruse, but i didnt read the post. Sorry, But iw ill, and ill tell you what i think. I dont have time now.

    But could you, maybe. possibly, Add me here again, but under a different email?

    Please and thanks.

  5. Oh, it looks like i did have time.

    I really liked the 12 years earlier. Im intriuged by This agent woman. I think it could be a great story.

    the only probelm i have, is the story scene. It confuzzled me a little.

    And, i need to post something. But i will soon.

    Flame out.

    1. Oh, sure thing. I'll add you again in just a second!

      Thanks, by the way. I'm glad you liked it, but what part confused you? The story scene??