I'm feeling really down these past three or so days.
It's a combination of loads and loads of reasons, but I think the main one is me thinking too much. I'm being paranoid and annoying myself and I want it to stop. And I figured maybe writing everything would help.
One thing I've thought too much of - mostly because of my down, I guess - is last year. I was depressed, and it was because I had a boyfriend, and he had cheated on me, and then broken up with me, via cellphone. I've talked to him pretty much twice since then, and that was all nearly a year and a half ago. He hurt me, and for months and months I was empty, and, well, heartbroken. I didn't show it to anyone. I kept a smile on, and carried on, shoving the pain away when I was around others, and on the constant verge of tears when I was alone. That was my life for quite a long time..
Then came last year's summer holidays, and it got better. I had somehow come to realize that I just didn't have feelings for him anymore, even though there was still quite a strong echo of the pain. I knew I had to find someone else, someone better, to be in love with, just to make sure I was really over it. Twice during the summer holidays, I thought I found someone. But.. I was forcing myself to like them. It was unnatural. So it didn't work.
Then the schoolyear started again, and I was back to a dull routine again. Wake up, go to school, get back from school, eat, watch tv, sleep. That is, until September 18th.
I was on facebook, and I don't know why, but I decided to check if any of the people who I knew from when I lived in England, 5 years ago, had a facebook. And then I saw that one of my better friends from back then, one I had actually thought of quite a bit when reliving memories from then, had finally got a facebook. We started talking, and since then, pretty much never stopped. This time, it was completely natural. The first few conversations we had were just finding out that we had almost everything in common. It built up inside of me, until, when I was writing his birthday present, it just hit me that he was everything I had ever wanted. He was perfect. And he lived 3800 km away.
I shoved those thoughts aside, at first. I was positive that he just didn't see me like that. That even if the odds were in my favour and he did, then it would be impossible due to the distance. But I could no longer ignore those thoughts. In all of my poems, I had inserted hints. You couldn't possibly know what or who they were referring to if you didn't know I liked him. But I knew. And that helped, for a while.
And then I found out I was going to be in England, on vacation with my family, and I felt I just had to tell him then. December 22nd, we met, in the flesh, and it was amazing, but I couldn't find the words. I thought that I had completely missed my chance. In the airport, on our way to the flight back to Israel, two days later, I was so annoyed at myself. I didn't want to leave without telling him. I couldn't. So I did. The departure gate had wifi, and my dad had a laptop, and the laptop had skype. On December 24th, I told him I liked him. I was shaking all over with excitement, my heart fluttering, when he told me he didn't know what to say, but he was smiling so much. I didn't want to leave, but boarding had started. I couldn't sleep during the flight, even though it was a night flight. Regardless of the fact that I never sleep on planes, I was rushing with happiness and adrenaline. And when I got home, after a 13-hour-long sleep, we talked. While I was on the flight, he wrote that he likes me too.
And, well, it's been nearly four months since then. And in two months and 12 days, I'm going to see him again, for the first time as a couple. And I can't wait.
Wow, writing this has helped. I feel better. I've just relived the best time of my life.
Anyway, thanks, Pyro. For everything good in my life.