Kallista's Attempt at Writing a Novel

OK. HEre is a rewrite of the 1st chapter of a story that I had started over a year ago then lost. It was heartbreaking for me but I am ready to try again. Remember please, that this is only the 1st draft. It will be better later on (I hope) It may seem generic to you all as well. But also rememebr. This is my first ti in doing somethign like this. It will be mroe as a test run then as somethign to try and get published. I don't forsee that happenign in my life time quite honestly. But I do love to write. :D


Chapter one.


On the outskirts of the town standing on a hill was a lone figure staring dreamily up into the sky. In the distance the sparkling floating city of Etienne came into view. Its tall gleaming spires sparkled in the early summer sun like jewels on a queen’s crown. Colors blazed amid the gold, silver, and diamond like structures of the ancient buildings.  For over a century now the city had been home to the capital where the royals lived. Always the city would be floating in the sky overlooking the vast country below.

“Beautiful isn’t it.” The figure jumped to hear another person there beside him.

A girl stood there next to the first, shading her eyes as she looked up at the approaching city.

“It’s not often we commoners can see such a sight.” The girl grinned at the boy.

He took a moment to study his older sister as she gazed at the city that looked like a jewel. Dressed in a simple but well-made dress of quality material she presented a fetching sight. The design of the day dress set off her slender figure, the embroidered green pattern matched her luminous eyes.  Glossy brown hair hung in corkscrew curls with a pale green ribbon headband to hold her hair loosely from her perfect oval face.

Somewhat disheartened Finn touched the old cloth hat that covered his own head. Bits of straight white hair, soft yet short, poked out framing a face that was far too delicate and beautiful to be a boy. The only mar on his face was the patch that covered his right eye. Cast off clothes from his older brothers; of muted browns and beiges covered his own thin frame.  Often he was called a bishōnen. He hated it.



“Indeed, Cecelia. You are right.” The boy’s voice was smooth and cultured but not having deepened yet. “It’s about time those royals and nobles come down from the sky to see what is going on with the rest of the world.”

“Finn! Keep your voice down!” Cecelia hissed as she looked around wearily, running a nervous hand through her thick brown hair. “Someone might hear you!”

Finn laughed contemptuously as he made a big show of looking around, spreading his small hands wide.

“Who can hear us, my dear sister? We are outside the city on a hill. I think I would notice if someone were to be nearby.”
“You had best be careful Finn McAlister!” She shot back. “You know well as I do that the royal wedding will be happening just off the coast here so there will be the secret guard here to patrol ahead of time. Who knows where they will look as they scout and…HEY! GET BACK HERE!”

Cecelia scowled as she hurried along and followed her younger sibling back down the hill.

“Finn! Are you listening to me?  The way the palace guards ride on those sky boards they could be on a person in an instant. Mother says to keep a low profile.”

Finn rolled his eyes as she continued to nag.

“…and speaking of mother, she wants to see you.” Cecelia huffed, irritated. “Don’t roll your eyes at me Finn! It’s not my fault you were shirking duties.”

Keeping his gaze fixed on the bustling village that sat just below the hill and on the outskirts of the city, Finn kept silent wishing for a skyboard to fly off into freedom with. Casting one last look at the royal city he tried to push the thought from his mind. But his sister caught the look.

“Don’t be such a dreamer Finn.” She scolded him lightly as they reached their hover scooters. “You have seen floating cities before.”

He caught the longing in her voice. Even Cecelia was having a tough time keeping practical about the incoming city.

“Only the noble’s cities, dear sister.” He could not keep the mocking from his voice as he turned to smirk at her. “Yes they are grand but not as grand as the royal city.”

Cecelia only huffed some more as she stepped onto her pink hover scooter. While it was nothing like a skyboard, not able to go more than a few feet from the ground, it was effective and could take them fast to where they needed to go.  Hover scooters were also expensive, though not as costly as a skyboard.  Only the wealthiest of landowners would purchase one for their child.  There was no stealing one as there needed to be a transfer of ownership, a fingermark of the new owner for the hover to identify and to make it function.

Flitting along on her own shiny brand new hover, Cecelia hummed softly, now ahead of her brother. Finn felt a stab of envy as he hopped on his own used rusty gray one. It started off with a jerk nearly sending him flying backwards but he hung on tight to the chipped handle bars and rode on determinedly.

A shadow passed overhead as a skyship passed low, making its way to the harbor situated by the town.  Merrily its colorful sails waved in the wind from the tall masts.

“Do you think brother will be back home tonight?” Finn asked with longing in his voice.

“Sebastian?” She responded then caught sight of the ship. “Oh! Tristan. I don’t know, Finn. I thought father said he would be bringing back the goods the day after tomorrow.”

Finn eyed her skeptically as he followed her down the path that ran through the village.  A small forest blocked the sight of the homes that resided there now that they were back on flat ground.

“Are you sure? That was The Proud Panda that just flew by.” Finn replied as he concentrated on passing his dainty older sister. “She left the day before our brother.”

“Don’t be stupid Finn. They have different schedules.” Cecilia tossed her head, her long curls bouncing prettily down her back.

“Don’t I know that!” Finn retorted as he passed her then, “RACE YOU!” He called back over his shoulder.

“HEY!” Her indignant cry followed him.

Confident he had his rickety hover cooperating for him he failed to notice the rope before it was too late.

Up ahead a slack rope was suddenly pulled tight right across the path he was on. Eyes widening he could not stop the inevitable as he hovered fast into it. His cry was cut off as it hit him slightly below the neck across his chest instead, flinging him wildly back.

Striking the ground he felt every jolt through his thin body. Dimly he could hear his sister calling his name. But it was not her who caught his attention at that moment. It was the six pairs of shoes he saw before his stunned eyes.

“Hey look guys. Looks like we caught ourselves a Cyclops FIggybutt!”

Finn gritted his teeth at the freak name Timmy and his gang of bullies had nicknamed him.

“Should have known it was you, Timbo.” Finn tried to sneer as he grimaced and slowly sat up. “I could smell you a mile away.”

A few boys chuckled at that causing Finn to get a kick in his side. “Oof!” The breath briefly left his body.

“CYCLOPS” A few boys chanted.

“You are rotten Thomas Beaky!” Finn cried out, ignoring his pain as he jumped up.

“Let’s see what is behind your patch, you stupid pirate!” Timmy mocked as he reached for Finn’s eyepiece.

Knocking the bully’s hand away easily he reached back to punch the boy in return. “Yeah? Let’s see if there is a brain inside your head Cheesefart!”

Timmy reddened at the rough reference to his father’s dairy farm and sputtered.

But Finn was not through. Throwing one punch he struck the first blow, but then on the second one Cecelia stepped in.

“Finn! No!”

He could not stop his fist by the time he realized what she had done. Solidly the fist struck Cecelia’s delicate cheek, sending her flying backwards into the dust.

A stunned silence fell among the group. While Finn was hated, Cecilia was loved by everyone: even the bullies.

“You sick IDIOT!” Timmy roared at him, his eyes alight with the real damage he could do to Finn at that point. “You hit a GIRL! Your OWN SISTER!”

Ignoring the bullies taunts and ridicule Finn ran to his sister’s side and helped her up.

For a girl, she was tough and did not cry. But she could not stifle the sound of pain that emitted from her lips.  Angry eyes glittered dangerously back at him as he whispered hoarsely.

“Cecelia, are you OK? I am sorry. I did not mean…”

But she stopped him right there as she got unsteadily back to her feet.

“You are in so much trouble Finn.” She cried out as she limped back to her hover. The bullies stood aside for her. “Wait till we get back home!”

Unhappily he trudged back to his own fallen hover and straightened it up. Following at a slower speed he tried not to notice the jabs the bullies made towards him as he left.

Dispirited he rode past the neat homes of the village ignoring the glares he received from the people who lived there. Nothing distracted him from his thoughts as he hovered on. Not the noise of the crowd as he got nearer to the city. Nor the sparkling blue water of the ocean as he hovered along the sand in a shortcut. Nor the normally welcoming sight of his home, a lovely three story townhouse that resided next to the family Tea and Bakery Shoppe in the center of town.

Leaving his hover he went inside but found it empty. It was clear Cecelia has already been here. Her pretty pink hover sat just inside the doorway. Wearily he trudged up to his room. Knowing his mother, she would already be fussing over Cecelia. But his own wounds plagued him and he didn’t want to further his mother’s worry and anger with him.

Once in his room he went to the mirror to take a look at the damage. Gingerly he unbuttoned the high collar of his work shirt to take a peak. Around his throat was a red mark from the brush of the rope. But below that the sin was torn were the rope had caught him.

Taking one more look around his plain room to make sure his door was firmly shut and the curtains on his widows were closed, Finn took off his shirt revealing his secret. Finn was a girl.

19 comments:

  1. Oh, Wow, Kal.
    It's really excellent.
    I love the description, and detail. The setting is perfect and it's such an interesting concept, too.
    Well done, Kal. I really hope you'll continue this. :)
    YOu may not see yourself becoming a published writer, but I do. *hugs* ^-^

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  2. Wow! such drama and excitement :D this was brilliant! I loved it! :D :D :D
    amazing detail :D i could really picture the scenes :D *appaludes* THIS WAS EPIC!!! :D :D :D
    *hugs*
    Write more soon, please :D

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  3. :O
    OMG!!
    WOW THAT IS AWESOME!
    The detail and discription was brilliant!!
    The ending was a shock!
    I can't wait to read more!
    FTW KALLIE
    *hugs*

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  4. OMG!!!!!
    KKKKKKKAAAAAALLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIEE!!!!!!!

    THAT WAS FLIPPING BRILLIANT! OH MY GOD! THE DESCRIPTIONS! THE ENDING! *is speechless*

    OH.
    MY.
    GOD.
    *hugs*
    xD

    ~Adra

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  5. :O That was amaaaaaaazing! *applaudes* The description, the detail, everything. You are a fantastic writer! :D

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  6. THAT... was absolutely FANTASTIC!
    I LOVED it! It was exciting and clever and original, and I loved the character development that I'm already seeing!
    I hope you decide to post more of it here for us :D

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  7. Amazing! You're such a good writer! Seems professional! :P

    The ending reminds me of a book I read once. It starts with: Bob woke up one sunny morning and saw that he was a girl :P

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  8. Very good!

    I like what I've seen of the world so far. Make sure to describe it soon, so I understand it all

    Good!

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  9. My brain isn't functioning well this late at night but what I have read so far is really interesting Kallista. Well done! (:

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  10. Kal, this is really brilliant, I could visualize the world and the characters as I read about them, the first chapter has me hooked and wanting more, thanks a lot for writing and posting it so that we can all read it, keep up the good work Kal, you have real literary talent and I can't wait to read more!

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  11. Wow, I love the creative concept of this story. I can picture the epic floating city perfectly.

    Great job, keep it up!

    Max

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  12. I tried to think of something other to say than Wow, but all I could think of was WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD

    That was brilliant! The descriptions were beautiful and vivid, and the detail you put in was excellent! I feel like I'm repeating everyone else before me, but it's true! I love the characters too - was NOT expecting the ending! Epic!
    (You didn't happen to take any inspiration from Black Butler, did you? I just thought because of the name Sebastian, and the way you described Finn's face :) That'd be awesome)

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    Replies
    1. (the description I was talking about, reminded me of Ciel. Didn't make that clear ^^;)

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    2. Oh my gosh! :D Someone asked me that the other day and I had no clue as to why! :P Now I know! I have watched a few episodes of BB but that was recently. The coincedenc is wierd though.
      This sotry I acually started writeing a while ago. I was inspired by such animes as Howl's Moving Castle, and that other oen with the castle in the sky and Ouran Academy Host Club. But i lost my story and really forgot everythign abotu it, other then the main characters name and that she was livign with this family, the name fo teh floatign city and soem descritions of the land. But I forgot the name of the country they lived in and the names of teh family and some smaller details.
      I actually just went to a site with top 100 most popular boy names and picked the two for the brothers. It fit with the stlye I was hoping to achieve.
      I hope my story won't end up being liek any other story;either ones that I have seen or not seen.
      Unlike the Black Butler, Finn did not make a deal with anyone. Sebastian is her brother. I think in my original story, Finn does not get the eyepatch till later.

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  13. Kal, my heart skipped a beat on the last line.

    I want more.

    Like now.

    NOW.
    The descriptions.. Amazing.

    I want more. Now.

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  14. This is brilliant Kal! I love it!

    I can't wait to read more, and I look forward to the day I see this in a bookshop window, :D

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  15. I LOVE IT!!! IT IS SOOOOO GOOD! PLEASE WRIGHT MORE SOON!!!!! Bacause it is exiting and REALLY GOOD! ... no wait it's not good it's AMAZING!!!!!!

    I LOVE IT!
    "that love it that love it, we are nothing but a bum ba daum, ba dum ba ba dum ba bum ba da dum ba dum that love it that love it" sings Misty

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